A brand of shoes I couldn’t afford when I was a baby punk but found at a thrift store for five bucks 15 years later.
03.07.14 | selenographie
I decided to do Lent this year because I have a lot of addictions/compulsions that I feel I need to take care of.
I’m giving up biting my nails/skin (is that the cuticles?), which is a habit I’ve had since I was a kid, because it’s totally disgusting (see image) and sometimes painful and every time I look at my hands I’m just like ugh grow the hell up how do you expect anyone to think you could ever present a professional image of anything.
I’m giving up drinking soda pop because it’s also pretty gross and while I’m not yet at the age when consuming so much sugar water each day is a health concern, it could probably easily become a health concern in the next 10 years so I might as well quit while I’m ahead. Also, I often forget to drink water, like, for days (coffee and soda don’t count, obvs), so now I am drinking water every day (and fizzy water with “natural flavors” but no high fructose bullshits) and already I’ve noticed I get fewer headaches. Usually my routine was to drink a 32oz of pop over the course of my shift at the office every day, which also (I think) influenced me to buy a lot of other junk food at the convenience store while at work. So without soda, I haven’t been eating as much of that kinda garbage. (I’ve also been trying to bring food from home to eat at work LIKE AN ADULT.) I feel like I read this in a book a million years ago but I’m mildly convinced that if I’m consuming a lot of artificial processed food/drink then it like desensitizes my ability to taste, so that’s why I want to eat junk food that is loaded with sugars and salts because I can only taste things when the flavors are at like 200% maybe? Anyway, after only a few days without soda I tried to eat a beef jerky stick and it tasted like salty cardboard, so DONE WITH THAT SHIT.
I’m still slowly quitting smoking by using the crybabiest step-down method ever (imo): I started off only allowing myself 10 cigarettes per day in January (down from a pack or more a day last year though), and 9 per day in February, so now I’m down to 8 per day. This has been really difficult sometimes but also because of my reduced intake I am becoming very aware that cigarettes don’t even taste good, they make me feel kind of sick, and mainly I smoke because of ritual/routine/compulsion reasons moreso than straight-up nicotine cravings.
I think the biggest change I’ve noticed is that I’m becoming more aware/mindful and conversely, that so much of my brainspace was totally consumed by all these needs (which for me just cultivates like a constant undercurrent of anxiety and doom). Now I have to be super aware of every thought in every moment, like stopping myself when my hand is unconsciously sneaking up to get those nails bitten, thinking really hard about whether or not I really need to have a cigarette, remembering to drink water. So there’s still a lot of shit going on but I’m observing it and I don’t feel like I’m being completely controlled by it anymore. & I also feel this huge relieving weird emptiness of not having to be concerned with fulfilling all of these ~false desires.~ I am not sure exactly how to explain it without sounding real wishy-washy but basically I am feeling more like a person and less like a collection of repetitive behaviors.
Finally, I think one time when I was little and went to church some priest said Lent isn’t always about giving up something bad, but also about adding something good, so for that part I’ve resolved to actually really write every day in my paper journal at least, even if it’s only to write what I did or thought that day. Gotta stay in practice!